I.D.
“I.D.”, aside from being this page’s title, is also the title of the first track on my second album, “DIVE”.
Since then I’ve grown fond of this word and I’m using it for my radio show’s title (airing on NACK5!). The “I.D. Advancement Panel” is something we thought up on the show, but I don’t really get it.
I think it refers to me and the staff as we were discussing ways to promote the show. So with this page being “I.D.”, the Advancement Panel was formed to generally liven things up.
I’m going to make use of this page to communicate with everyone, so please check back often.
Back in my high school ethics class I learned that “I.D.” stands for “identity”. Reading the definition in the text helped me not in the least, but I think the word was important enough to appear on the test. I’ve been pondering the meaning of “identity” lately.
Every day I balance college classes and my job. It’s been that way ever since I was in grade school, so I don’t feel as stressed as you might think. Instead, the interaction between the two means the busier I am at work the more I feel like tackling homework. But if there’s one thing I’m unsure about, it’s the “face” I present for each role. For example, my face as an actress, as a singer, as a student, or as a young lady. Each one without a doubt is me, but each differs in subconsciously small ways. It’s the question of “Which is the real me?” that everyone faces.
I’ve been worrying about this. What I think of myself, what others think of me, the person I want to become, what others expect of me…. I’ve noticed gaps between each of these conceptions. I say that I want to “be myself”, but I don’t know what being myself means. And yet some people talk to me as if they know me down to the last detail.
Once when I was writing lyrics at Lake Yamanaka, I went outside at night to get some fresh air. It was so dark that all I could see were stars. As I stared at the sky the stars seemed to keep increasing in number. I felt so small, and the sky felt so huge. I found a sense of peace in the midst of this. That’s how it is. The lyrics from that night became the song “I.D.”
It’s not as though I had solved anything. But I felt like every version of myself had been accepted. I may wonder which is my true self, but in the end all that matters is who I am now.
My “I.D.” lies somewhere at the intersection of these selves. In other words, no matter how pitiful or how much I dislike my current self, that’s all I have.
So I have no other option but to refine that pitiful self. The “I.D. Advancement Panel”, then, is also a panel for refining one’s self. No matter what others think, I want to live for myself.
I want to find happiness. To that end, as I refine myself I hope to enjoy my life.
Now, I also want to find happiness for others, but that subject will have to wait for another time….
I wonder what topic I’ll write about next.
Until next time,
maaya